


One Piece Abridged: Vol. 1

by joinmarch76



Series: One Piece Abridged [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Abridged, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-21 16:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6058908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joinmarch76/pseuds/joinmarch76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody made for today's comedic internet surfer on the go. One Piece is the property of Eiichiro Oda, Toei Animation, and is distributed by Funimation. Please support the official release. Now the formalities are out of the way, Summary Time!</p><p>In this chapter, we start with the battle that started it all, and the man that started this adventure: Monkey D. Luffy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Return of the Luffy

**Author's Note:**

> Wealth, fame, power. Scrooge Roger, the king of the McDucks obtained this and everything else the world had to offer. And his dying words drove countless souls to the seas. "Ye want me gold? You'll have to find it first! I left all of my Disney royalties together in one place! Your funeral, lads!" These words sent countless souls to The Grand Line in search of adventure. This is the time known as the Post Duck Tales era! Oh, wait it's One Piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wealth, fame, power. Scrooge Roger, the king of the McDucks obtained this and everything else the world had to offer. And his dying words drove countless souls to the seas. "Ye want me gold? You'll have to find it first! I left all of my Disney royalties together in one place! Your funeral, lads!" These words sent countless souls to The Grand Line in search of adventure. This is the time known as the Post Duck Tales era! Oh, wait it's One Piece.

We open to a ship partying near an unknown village island. Don't ask me where, the franchise never tells us. What I can tell you is that three sailors are on the deck and see a barrel floating by. Two of the sailors are on the deck itself, while the third is high up in the crow's nest. "Okay, I spy with my little eye, something that is...blue." one sailor said. The one beside him rolled his eyes and inquired back, "The sea?" The first turns his head, shakes it and replies, "Close, the sky." A few minutes of silence pass before he goes on, saying with a yawn, "Man, I'm bored, let's drink ourselves silly."

The second sailor looks down and points to something down below. "No need to, lad. Look!" Just then, a barrel floats up beside the ship. "Wow, that was convenient." the first sailor said simply. The third sailor up in the crow's nest looks down in shock. "Iceberg dead ahead! And it's a small one, too!" "Wake up, Scottie!" the first calls back in annoyance. "It's a beer barrel! Time to drink!" The two sailors on the main deck roll the barrel towards some nearby rope when the third sailor notices something else. "Iceberg! Again!" he shouts. The second sailor shouts back, "Get your eyes checked, Scottie! There's no icebergs around here, only beer and the nearby pirate ship-" What he just said smacked him square in the face. "NEARBY PIRATE SHIP?!" Sure enough, a large ship with a skull-and-crossbones appeared from behind a large rock off the coast. The skull had a heart in the middle, revealing it to be none other than Alvida! The cannons fire at the ship, barely missing it! The third sailor (whom will now be referred to as Scottie to sound less tedious) was thrown into a panic and jumped down onto the deck, flailing in fear. "Iceberg! And it's firing at us!" "SHUT UP, SCOTTIE!" the other two sailors shout.

The two ships enter each other's space and the pirates invade the partying ship! Alvida stomps in, with a pirate interpreter in tow. "Dozilo acum baloodu tusaru bisquara treazuru." she bellows. Her voice booms through the ship like her mouth was a massive subwoofer. The workers of the ship looked confused. "I know we should be intimidated, but what did she say?" someone spoke up. The interpreter replied in a nasally voice, "The illustrious Alvida wants you to fork over your bootie, bitches, before I belly-flop this ship to the depths of the sea." "Hey! Who're you calling a bitch, jackass?" protested a nearby sailor. "Hey, she said it, not me." retorted the interpreter defensively.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, three of the pirates and a kid with pink hair find the barrel that was floating in the sea a few moments ago. One of the pirates was incredibly burly, with large arms and a chin Jay Leno would be jealous of. "Welp, we'll be drinking tonight!" he chuckled. The pink-haired kid was cautious, though. "Um, I don't think that's gonna work out." The second pirate was incredibly thin and wearing a tacky-looking bandana. He looked to him with a glint of malice in his eye. "Does someone want to be Alvida's slave after this raid's over?" A shiver rose up the kid's spine and made him sweat coldly. "N-n-no." he stammered. The third pirate was incredibly round, like Dom DeLuise after an all-you-can-eat buffet; with a blue-striped shirt and an eyepatch. He looks to the kid with a spiteful look in his eyes. "Then shut the hell up, and let us drink in peace!" he said, grinning like a crocodile. 

But as the three close in on the barrel, it suddenly breaks open, something proclaiming, "Gum-Gum....JUMPSCARE!" The being decks the three unintentionally, knocking them out cold. He was a very skinny kid, wearing a red vest, blue shorts, sandals, and most notably, a yellow straw hat. He had a scar under one of his eyes and said eyes looked as wild as a rabid, wild dog. He jumped out of the barrel with a massive grin on his face. "Welp, I just drank all the booze in that barrel, now to get into some wacky shenanigans." he said obliviously. The pink-haired kid finally overcame his speechlessness and tried stopping the apparent kid of the barrel. "Hold up! Just where the hell do you think you're going?" he demanded. "And for that matter, who are you?" He turns to the kid with a grin and replied, "Would you believe I'm Johnny Depp?" "Maybe, you seem insane enough." the kid said back. "Well, you're not far off. I'm Luffy, and I'm the man who's gonna be king of the pirates!" the straw-hatted one proclaimed. "Man? You look 17 at the very least!" pointed out the kid confusedly. "Well you know what they say, when you're 18, you're out the door." Luffy said indignantly. "I thought you were Luffy, not Bart Simpson." asked the kid.  
"And I thought you were an important character, not Milhouse." retorted Luffy. "Actually, my name's Coby. I'm kind of Alvida's slave." the kid admitted. "Al-Who-Now?" asked Luffy.

Suddenly, Alvida bursts through the ceiling, her interpreter looking down below. "Ooloo-doogoo galago!" she roared. Luffy chuckled at her and looked at her with cockiness. "Sorry, I don't speak fat hag." he joked. "Ooh! Galundo zowabi bisqua!" she bellowed with rage. The interpreter looked down from the hole she made in the floor. "The glorious Alvida demands to know who the hell are you, you straw-hatted upstart." he said. "The name's Monkey Luffy. And as of this moment, you are officially my bitch." he replied, tipping his straw hat. "Ivandungo, tuskaniini!" Alvida howled in anger. "The grand Alvida points out that she is her own bitch, thank you." he replied, crossing his arms. As the interpreter translated, Alvida grabbed her massive, black, spiked club from her back.

Luffy noticed, kept smiling and grabbed Coby. "Is that so? Well then, Gum-Gum.....PUSSY-JUMP!" As the club smashes down, he jumps up through the hole and onto the deck. "You snooze, you lose, Gardulla!" he called from above. But before he could even blink, Alvida's pirates and she herself appeared from behind, determined to shoot the crap out of him. This surprised even Luffy at how fast she moved. "Back for more, are we?" he taunted. "Dozootu gala bing, Devilfrooto calazudu impalo." she croaked. "The illustrious Alvida recognizes your Devil Fruit powers that give the the strength of Plastic Man." the interpreter explained. "Damn straight, Cathy Bates." Luffy replied confidently. Still angered from the past several insults, Alvida tries attacking again. "Clubo-Clubo-No-Bonk-to-the-Head!" she exclaimed. She smashes Luffy's head in....which doesn't do a damn thing, shocking everyone around her. "Allow me to be blunt Hutt-Beard, blunt objects don't work on me." he explained, still grinning through it all. "D'oh-oh! Igazumo punuska!" Alvida groaned. "The fantastic Alvida doesn't like your pun." the interpreter said bluntly. "Oh, yeah? Well she's gonna hate this!" said Luffy pridefully. He stretches his arm immensely, stretching it far enough to be longer than the ship itself! "Gum-Gum....I-AM-A-MAN!" he shouts. Luffy throws his arm back and hits her square in the stomach, flinging her into the sea roughly 600 feet away.

Luffy claps his hands together, like how one does after doing something important. "Well, that takes care of that. Back to my journey." he said simply. He was about to walk away when Coby stops him again. "Wait a minute, Luffy! You can't just leave!" Coby protested. "Why not?" "What about the other pirates?" he started asking. "Ah, they're kind of like the Battle Droids in Star Wars; once their leader's gone, they're effectively worthless." Luffy shrugged. Coby rolled his eyes and said, "If you say so." The thought then occurs to him that he doesn't have to work for Alvida anymore. He tugs on Luffy's shirt as he's about to turn and asks, "Mind if I tag along? I hate working for Alvida!" Luffy hesitated. "Why should I? You seem kind of annoying, what with your girly hair and obnoxious voice." Coby crossed his arms and questioned his planning, "Do you know where the plot's going next?" "...No." Luffy replied ashamedly. "I do. And I can help for about two maybe three more episodes." bargained Coby.

"Fine, but we're stealing someone else's ship that isn't this one." he decided. "Why? This one seems fairly stable." asked Coby. "A decent ship's not earned 'til the Syrup Village Arc." Luffy explained. "Good point." During all of this, a mysterious, orange-haired girl was fighting off Alvida's goons and grab one of the rowboats. She was about to jump down with it to parts unknown, when Luffy swipes it and makes his way out into the open sea. "Hey! Get back here you dickweed!" she protested. "No chance, bitch, I'm on'na boat!" Luffy taunted. Coby rolled his eyes and said, "That bit's been done." "Shut up, navigation slave." Luffy ordered. "Now where's our next stop?" "Shells Town." Coby replied. "Word is there's a famous Pirate Hunter that can help you on your quest: Roronoa Zoro." We cut to a Marine Base in Shells Town, where the Pirate Hunter in question is in the baking sun, tied to some sticks and some bagpipe music is playing in the background....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued....
> 
> Also, music being played in near the end of this chapter is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MudFSiyOglI


	2. Scotty, Beat Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody made for today's comedic internet surfer on the go. One Piece is the property of Eiichiro Oda, Toei Animation, and is distributed by Funimation. Please support the official release. Now the formalities are out of the way, Summary Time!
> 
> In this chapter, we get reach Shells Town and gain our first major crewmate: Roronoa Zoro! Beware the Scottish Swordsman!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here lies Gol D. Roger, now dead and gone after years of notoriety. His will reads as follows: "To my cousin Garp, I leave my cool as hell Sgt. Pepper costume I wore for the majority of my life. To my cousin Luffy, I leave you my son Ace to be your brother as Garp sees fit. And I leave my entire estate in the custody of Eneru and the entirety of the Upper Yard-" Okay, who's the smartass who tampered with the will?!

We open to Luffy and Coby still out on the open sea, drifting along with some supplies from the ship Alvida was invading in the previous chapter. How Luffy hasn't eaten all the supplies by now is beyond me, but at least he's showing willpower. Unfortunately, he also was bored out of his mind, and decided to talk with his...cabin boy for lack of a better word. "So, uh, Coby is it?" began Luffy. "Yeah?" replied Coby. "How did you of all people end up with Alvida the Hutt? No offense, but it looks like someone like you wouldn't last a day with someone like her!" Luffy finished.

"Well, I wasn't there by choice, if that's what you mean. It's a funny story, actually." Coby explained. Cue the flashback! We fade to white and see Cobi on a boat near the woods of an unknown isle. Again, they don't really say where. "Man, I love fishing!" Coby proclaimed as he got his fishing rod. "It's almost as fun as running away from my problems like a pussy. Suppose that's why I got turned down by the Marines." But as he was about to shove off, he was surrounded by Alvida and her goons. "Frigging Murphy's Law!" Coby exclaimed. "Gazundula bardoo Coby-wano-tazooku." bellowed Alvida. Her interpreter was right behind her, and translated, "The great and powerful Alvida says that you, pussy-Coby, have just been drafted by the Alvida Pirates, suck'a." "Wait, how does she know my name?" Coby asked. "It was on the back of this boat we're hijacking." the interpreter explained. We cut back to present time and Luffy is...less than impressed.

"Wow, Coby, you kinda suck." he said bluntly. "What did you expect? I'm not supposed to get better til the Enies Lobby Arc ends." Coby pointed out. "For your sake, I hope you're right." Luffy simply said. "So, who's this Zoro guy you mentioned in the last episode?" Coby reacted in shock at his ignorance. "Well, I thought you knew. He's only one of the most badass swordsmen ever to grace the East Blue!" he explained excitedly. "They say this guy has a giant fist where his genitals should be, and can slice up a steel girder like a hot knife through butter!" "So, he's Chuck Norris?" Luffy asked. "More like Randy Savage mixed with Segata Sanshiro." Coby corrected. "Word is that he's being imprisoned in a Marine base in Shells Town."

This got Luffy very excited, his mouth grinning bigger than ever before! "Then let's engage the Hyper Drive and let's get over there!" he ordered jovially. "We don't have a Hyper Drive." Coby pointed out. Luffy's smile began to run away from his face. "Then how are we supposed to drive the plot forward?" he asked bluntly. A grin came over Coby's face, and he looked like he was about to hatch a plan of his own. "Simple, we travel by map!" he answered. And like magic, a map appeared onscreen and a red line sprouted from it. It wound its way across the sea until it reached the isle of Shells Town. We cut to them finally arriving in Shells Town and entering the marketplace.

"I should travel by map more often, the show will be over with much quicker that way!" decided Luffy. "Lord knows it'll be quicker than Funimation's dubbing schedule..." Coby muttered, rolling his eyes. After a bit of asking around, the duo make their way to the Marine Base on the far side of the island. The place looked highly fortified, especially the gate. "How do you suppose we get up-" Coby started to ask. Luffy promptly jumps up to reach the wall. "...There?" he finished. "You wanna join me in going in there, or what?" Luffy asked, looking back at Coby. Fear overtook Coby as he noticed how big of a risk he was taking. "I'll go with 'or what', thank you." he replied nervously. "I thought you wanted to be a Marine." Luffy reminded him. "I do, but I don't wanna be beaten down by a Pirate Hunter in the process!" Coby explained. "He's tied to some sticks! What exactly is he gonna do?!" Luffy asked, frustrated by Coby's cowardice. Given that little reality check, Coby quickly nodded and replied simply, "Touche." Coby follows suit and the two see the Pirate Hunter Zoro in question.

"Why exactly do we want to be here staring at a baking, crucified Pirate Hunter?" Luffy asked forgetfully. Coby rolls his eyes and reminds him with an annoyed, "Don't you ever come to rehearsal? You want him to join your crew!" Luffy shook his head and said, "Oh, right. Welp, no better time than the present-" But before he could go over the wall, a little girl made her way over, a rice ball in hand. "How did she get past the gate?" wondered Coby. "Plot convenience." Luffy replied bluntly. She quietly walked her way towards the tied-up Zoro. "Um, mister?" she asked meekly. Bagpipe music begins to fill the air as the girl comes to a halt in front of Zoro. He looks up, his eyes peering from under the shadow of his bandana. She stares at Zoro and vice versa until Zoro finally spoke up. In a coarse, Scottish accent, no less.

"By the look on yer face, I can tell ya like the pipes, wee lassie." he grunted. The music filled the air, resounding the infamous Scotland tune: 'Scotland the Brave'. Back at the wall, Luffy and Coby were listening and watching, the former smiling at the Scottish music that was being played. "I already love this guy!" Luffy laughed heartily. The little girl went on, "Anyway, I brought you some riceballs, mister." But Zoro shook his head. "I appreciate yer generous offer, lassie; but I can't eat them now." he said sadly. "Why not?" the little girl asked. Just then, a blond man with a horrible haircut and equally horrible double-chin strutted into the courtyard they were in with a couple guards. "He's why." Zoro replied. 

The horrible haircut-donning man strutted forward with a cocky smile on his face. "Top of the morning, Zoro. Suffering as usual, I see?" he said. " Hello, Helmeppo." Zoro groaned. "You can call me 'sir'!" Helmeppo corrected. "Now, I can't kill you as part of your deal; but compared to me, you are a g-nat." "The G's silent, laddie, it's gnat." Zoro pointed out. "Are you calling me a g-nat?!" Helmeppo demanded angrily. "No, just correctin' yer pronunciation." Zoro explained. This only made him angrier, though. "ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?!" he shrieked. "Oh, that is it! I'm taking my anger out on this little girl, her riceballs and reporting you to my daddy!" He stomps on the riceballs and tosses the little girl over the wall. "Hey! Gum-Gum....CHILD PROTECTION!" Luffy exclaimed. He grabs the girl just as she's about fall to the ground.

Though sobbing, the little girl smiled. "T-thank you, mister." she whimpered. "Don't mention it kid." smiled Luffy. He quickly returned to anger, however. "That's it, crucifying a criminal's one thing, but harming an innocent little girl is going too far! I'm beating up that bastard! In the name of Zoro and.." He stopped himself to try and remember her name. "Sorry, I didn't catch your name." he finished. "My name is Rika, mister. I wanna help, too!" she said happily. "Sorry, kid, but I already have one very young comic relief, I don't need another. But since you're here, can you at least tell me why you were helping Zoro in the first place?" he inquired. 

Quickly, she flashes back to a few days ago, with Helmeppo and a Mightyena attacking Shells Town's downtown district. "That man in the bad, blonde haircut is an avid Pokemon Trainer; he sic'd his mean Mightyena on my town, and almost killed me!" Rika explained. "But Mister Zoro saved my life, and now he's stuck on those sticks as his punishment!" We cut back to the present, with Luffy still none too please with what Helmeppo did. "And they call us pirates bad." he said. He jumped over the wall and confronts Zoro.

"Hey, you in the bandana!" he called to Zoro. He looks up in anger. " Look, lad, I don't care who sent you, I'm not gonna say Enigo Montoya's better than me!" he told Luffy, frustrated. Luffy looked confused. "What? No, I just wanna ask you to join my crew!" he replied. "Oh. Well, I would, but I can't. Especially not now that I'm stuck here! Besides, I'm gonna be free in three days anyway as part of a deal with the captain of this base." Zoro explained. Just then, Helmeppo walks back into the courtyard to gloat some more. "Ooh, what's this? Another visitor? Well, I guess it's alright since he'll be dying in a few hours." he said evilly. "What?! But Captain Morgan said-" Zoro started to protest. "Yeah, about that....." Helmeppo began. He walked towards Zoro and whispered in his ear, "He lied." He then laughs out loud, only to be punched in the face by Luffy.

He turns to Zoro and proposes a better deal, "Okay, tell you what, Scotty; you join my crew, and I'll get you out of here before they kill you." Zoro thought about this for a moment. "You drive a hard bargain, lad. Deal!" he decided. "But first, ye must get me blades; they're in the Marine base." Luffy smiled widely at the thought of recruiting Zoro. "You got it! Hey, Coby, you untie Zoro, would ya?" he said joyously. "Okay!" Coby said quickly. He jumps over the wall and starts to untie Zoro. A short time later, Luffy is running through the base, carrying an unconscious Helmeppo in one hand. It isn't long before he's stopped by the Marine forces. Soon, he was surrounded by four soldiers, armed with fully-loaded firearms.

"Halt, or I fire!" one demanded. Luffy isn't fazed and holds Helmeppo out in front of him. "No, you halt, or you fire on your boss's son!" he counter-argued. Helmeppo wakes up from his being knocked out and panics at the pistol in front of him. "D'ha! Don't shoot! I beg of you! Wait til Daddy hears about this!" he panicked. "Oh good, you're awake. Now, where's Zoro's swords. haircut-boy?" Luffy asked. "I'm not telling you anything." he replied bluntly. "Do you want to be beaten to a bloody pulp?" added Luffy. Not wanting to feel Luffy's wrath again, he sweated and said, "Touche, Straw-Hat. Alright, you win; they're in my room. I was hoping to auction them on Ebay." "What's Ebay?" asked Luffy confusedly. "No idea, just reading off the script." answered Helmeppo. "We have one of those?"

After some more meta banter, Luffy reaches Helmeppo's room and sees its interior. "Um...interesting design" Luffy commented. "Thank you, I got decorating tips from the local Newkamas. Very interesting people, they are." he replied. Luffy grabs all three swords, and looks out the window to see Captain Axe-Hand Morgan stomping out to Zoro, a firing squad ready to shoot him down. Thinking quickly, he jumped down from the window as Morgan was making a speech. He spoke like an old army soldier from World War II, and just as gruff in his personality. "I'll like your death, Scotsman. Your death is sweet to me, like love is sweet!" he chuckled. "Ach, go suck on me blades, Private Haircut." Zoro taunted back. "Your mouth wrote checks, my men have cashed them! Open fire!" he shouted. But as they shoot, Luffy jumps in the way and deflects the bullets at the soldiers, catching Morgan completely by surprise. "Gah! Who's this stretchy bastard that's stopped my Scotsman killing spree?!" he demanded. "The name's Luffy, Soldier. And as of this moment, you are officially my bitch." Luffy replied cockily. "You're in a big, fat hurry to die, son. Stand aside, my quarrel's with the Englishman in the dress." ordered Morgan. "That's the thing, though, the Scotsman's with me, Andre the Iron Giant. You want him, you go through me." challenged Luffy. "Is that so, cupcake? Get 'em, men! Last one alive, lock the door!" Morgan bellowed. And with that, reinforcements arrived and charged, wielding swords.

"No fair," Luffy protested. "you're using my one weakness, sharp things!" But as they're about to slice Luffy to ribbons, Zoro breaks free and stops them all with his three swords. "Three Sword Style for the win, bitches!" he bragged. "You're welcome." said Coby. By this point, Axe-Hand Morgan was getting very hot under the collar. "That does it! You are about to get DOMINATED, your skirt-twirling drunk!" he roared. "Hey, don't forget about me!" exclaimed a voice. Sure enough, Cobi was being held at gun-point by Helmeppo. "Prepare to die, you closet fop! Gum-Gum...I-AM-A-MAN!" Thinking quickly, Luffy punches Helmeppo square in the jaw before he could fire, and he was tossed out of the base by the force of the hit. As for Morgan, he was quickly chopped down by Zoro. "Mother of mercy, now that is a bloody domination!" he said, breathing heavily from the fight. Morgan keeled over like a massive, iron-jawed Goliath. To our hero's surprise, the Marines celebrated the defeat of their boss. "Eh? What's with the celebratin'?" asked Zoro. "We hated that guy! Thanks for your help!" answered one of the soldiers.

We cut to Zoro, Luffy and Cobi relaxing at a local restaurant; namely, the one Rika and her mother work at. "Thanks for your help, Luffy!" Rika said gratefully. "I was just doing what I thought was right." Luffy said humbly. "Besides, I couldn't leave my new crewmate to die." "Yeah, about that crew, Stretchy. Where's yer ship and the rest of yer crew?" asked Zoro. "Oh, it's just me and you, Scottie." Luffy simply replied. This caused Zoro to pause for a second. "Wait, what?" he finally asked. "Yeah, we're not supposed to get another crewmate for a few episodes. Til then, we're on our own. I say about, oh...ten crewmates should suffice for my journey." Luffy explained. "Yeah, that's another thing, ye never did tell me where exactly we're going." Zoro added. "That's easy, Zoro! We're heading to the Grand Line to find the One Piece!" Luffy proclaimed. "I repeat, what?" Zoro blinked. "Why do you think I went to the trouble of freeing you? I need capable men to help in my quest! And who better to serve the King of the Pirates than the best swordsman of the East Blue?" Luffy elaborated. 

"Can't argue with that logic." shrugged Zoro. "You're seriously gonna stay with this guy?" asked Coby. "Eh, I got nothing better to do in this chapter. Might as well." "Well what about me?" Coby asked Luffy. "Oh, yes. Uh...how should I say this? You, dear Coby are what we call a loose end." Luffy replied. "Oh God, you don't mean you're gonna kill me, do you?!" cried Coby. "What? No! I was just saying that we're gonna leave you here until you're strong enough to join us!" Luffy elaborated. "But, I wanna be a Marine..." reminded Coby. "All the more reason to!" said Luffy. "Who knows, maybe we'll meet up again in the Grand Line. Til then, I'm leaving you with this local Marine base. This should be a good experience for you." "Really? You're gonna do that for me?" asked Coby. "Oh, yeah! I talked to the local Marines, now that Morgan's gone, they're open for new recruits; so I signed you up." answered Luffy happily. "Thank you, Luffy...Thank you so much..." said Coby, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Don't get mushy on me, kid." Luffy said. "'Kay."

"So that takes care of him, but what of us? Where's our ship?" asked Zoro. "Maybe I can help with that." said a voice. A local Marine officer walked into the room. "I was on my way to thank you again for helping us; and to tell you that we'll keep this assistance between us; when I overheard your interest in a ship." he explained. We cut to the docks where a new rowboat with a sail was awaiting them with two barrels of supplies."I bought it a year ago after my 64 Plymouth Speedboat got destroyed during a race with Helmeppo. It's not much, but I don't need it and you look like you could use a new vessel." the officer went on. "Thanks, guys. Let's go, Zoro." said Luffy. "Aye, sir. Say, I didn't catch yer name." Zoro replied. The music swelled as Luffy turned around and grinned widely. "'m Luffy, the man who's gonna be King of the Pirates!" he proclaimed. "But you knew that part already."

And so our heroes sail off to parts unknown. Who knows what could be waiting around the corner? Stay tuned!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued......
> 
> So this Abridged Series has a more lively feel, here's a link to the bagpipe music played as Zoro says his line: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MudFSiyOglI


	3. The Hat that Started it All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody made for today's comedic internet surfer on the go. One Piece is the property of Eiichiro Oda, Toei Animation, and is distributed by Funimation. Please support the official release. Now the formalities are out of the way, Summary Time!
> 
> With the first major arc out of the way, we focus on the backstory on our rubbery captain and just what possessed him to start this crazy trek to begin with. ...Don't look at me like that, it's how it went down in the anime!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arr, they all act like they hate me; but in reality, they love me. For I know the tales of Gol D. Roger. Shall I tell ye about the greatest pirate who ever lived?
> 
> .......
> 
> I'll take your silence as a yes. Gol D. Roger taught Randy Savage how to be a true Macho Man. A mere puff of his breath could knock down Andre the Giant. George Lucas wanted him to be Darth Vader, but Gold said he would be too strong with the Force for the role. John Cena wishes he had as many memes as Gol D. Roger! Bloodbeard Joe and Gol D. Roger have arm wrestling matches every night. He's the only pirate that could out-Johnny Depp Johnny Depp. He's the only other man who could drink Maltese Liquor and live to tell about it. And I know he got to the East Indies first...JUST TO PISS MAGELLAN OFF! So everybody raise a glass to Gol D. Roger: He may not be God- Oh wait, yes he is.

We rejoin our duet of pirates as they sail along to the Grand Line; or at least, try to. You see, it had been roughly two days since Luffy handed Axe-Hand Morgan his ass on a platter, and now gained his first ever crewmate in the form of Zoro. Now the two have been sailing across the ocean in search of the Grand Line...and Luffy's bored out of his mind. "You said it, narrator-guy." Luffy said aloud. "Who are ye talkin' to?" asked Zoro. "Oh, just that voice in my head that keeps the plot going." he replied. Zoro rolled his eyes, and laid back. He figured it was best not to question him at this point; after all, he had just saved his life.

"Anyway, you'd think we'd have reached the Grand Line by now." Luffy continued. "Lad, the Grand Line's not for many more episodes." Zoro said back to him. "How the 'ell far did ye think the East Blue is from there?" Luffy gave a quick shrug and replied, "Dunno, I just thought we'd get to the plot quicker after I got you. For all I know, we're swimming in circles." Upon hearing this, needless to say, Zoro was not pleased. He sat back up, looking angrily. "Let me get this straight, mate;" he began, gritting his teeth. "You mean to tell me that you don't even know where we're goin', when we're getting there, AND THINK WE'RE GOING IN CIRCLES?!" "Pretty much." Luffy answered bluntly.

With an angry fire in his eyes, he unsheathed one of his swords and put it against Luffy's throat. Not enough to slit it, of course, but enough to make any normal man nervous and/or crap his pants. "Either ye start findin' a proper route or I'll be using you as food stock til I reach the next town!" he threatened. Not flinching for a moment, Luffy's smile widens. "I'll do better than that! We'll travel by map!" he proposed jovially. "...By what?" Zoro asked, confused. And in a matter of moments, a large map appeared like in the previous episode and a red line pointed the nearest island. "See? I wasn't worried about us being lost." Luffy said happily.

Zoro sheathed his sword and continued to look confusedly at him. "Why didn't ye use this before, laddie?" Zoro finally asked. "We could have saved us both a lot of time and dialogue!" Luffy shrugged again and replied, "It didn't cross my mind." Zoro sat there after that, dumbfounded. Finally, after three minutes of silence, he asked, "...How exactly haven't you gotten a Darwin Award?" "They never nominated me." Luffy said.

"The 'ell they didn't..... " he muttered. "Wait, how are we traveling by map anyway?" "Easy," Luffy explained. "There's an app for it!" "Seriously, mate?" he asked skeptically. "Yeah, nearly everything has an app these days." This bout of what seemed to be outright stupidity brought Zoro into full-fledged Q&A mode regarding the logic of this show. What a brave, yet futile soldier... "Hold up, how the bloody hell do we have apps in this world?" he demanded. "Last I checked, we don't even have phones; just differently designed snails!" "The same place I got my straw hat." Luffy answered bluntly. "Which is....?" "My hometown of Foosha!" he exclaimed. "That just raises further questions!" Zoro shouted, exasperated." "Not really; Apple opened up a store near the bar I got my straw hat." Luffy explained. "You'd be surprised how many stores pop up these days."

This only made him more and more frustrated by Luffy's lack of sense. "How is that possible?! I haven't seen any and I've been living in the bloody East Blue all me life!" he demanded. "Yeah, but you've been living in a dojo on an island where electricity isn't a thing; makes sense that you're at least a bit out of touch." Luffy retorted. "Besides, it's an abridged anime, we're not exactly Vulcan-levels of logical here." Tired of trying to get a decent answer, Zoro gave up and sighed, "Fair enough." After ten minutes of traveling by map, Zoro decided to break the silence. "Well, since ye brought it up, care to tell me how ye got that straw hat?" he asked. Luffy laid back. smiled and replied, "Since you asked so politely, I will. Besides, the plot wants me to, anyway." Cue the flashback! Luffy began to narrate his story as the scene turns to a sleepy, tropical village. "It all starts back in Foosha Village;" he began. "Which, in retrospect sounds like a Pokemon town ripoff."

The scene takes us to the village's bar, where a tiny version of Luffy is sitting on a barstool with the a pirate captain with red hair and a straw hat. "These weird pirates entered the bar," Luffy continued. "And their captain sat next to me with a small box that he sat beside him. The guy looked like a red-headed Jack Sparrow cosplayer, and he certainly drank like one!" The red-haired captain belched a hearty laugh. "Man this rum's good!" he chuckled. The red-haired pirate, named Shanks, looks to the young Luffy; the latter whom was staring intently. Uncomfortable, Shanks sweated a bit and asked, "Can I help you with something, son?" A minute of silence was between them when Luffy finally broke it. "Hi, I'm Luffy!" Another bit of silence, making Shanks more uneasy. "Do you belong to someone here or...?" he asked. "Sort of, but I'm hoping to get into pirating." Luffy replied. "Can I join your crew?" 

Unimpressed by his child physique, Shanks chuckled a bit and said, "Talk to me when your testicles drop, kid; then, we'll talk." "Hey, watch it! I'm strong enough to take on ten men!" bragged Luffy angrily. "To prove it, I'll eat whatever's in that box!" He pointed to the box Shanks had beside him. "Really? Okay, but be warned it's a-" Too late, Luffy gulped the whole thing, stem and all. "...Devil Fruit." Shanks finished. "Welp, so much for that." Panting a bit after he was done swallowing, Luffy's smile widened. "Can I join now?" he asked. "Hell, no." Shanks said bluntly. " But I just-!" Luffy protested. "I never said I agreed to your bet. Besides, now you can't swim!" pointed out Shanks.

Not fazed, Luffy looked confused. "Your point being?" "My point being, " Shanks explained, "Is that just suppose someone made you walk the plank. The last thing I want is child labor enforces bashing me for letting a Devil Fruit using child die on my watch! Besides, they've been watching me like a hawk since the Goldenweek incident." "Damn you, child labor laws." grumbled Luffy. "Wait, who's Goldenweek?" he then asked. "You'll find out in Season 2."

A short time later, a tall, dark man walked in with a few other men and walked towards Shanks. "So, we meet again, Ginger?" he taunted. "Higuma, we've been over this; don't call me that." said Shanks, annoyed at his very presence. "Why, did I touch a nerve?" Higuma said back. "Heh, just as I expect from a straw hat wearing wimp. Seriously, you're riding Gol D. Roger's coattails to infamy with your precious legends of Devil Fruits and all that bullshit. You're just an attention-whore." Being 7 years old, Luffy didn't take his new "friend" Shanks' mockery lightly.

"I'll show YOU an attention-whore!" he shrieked. He tried to attack Higuma to no avail. Promptly, Higuma grabbed him, took the money from the bar's register and made his way to a boat on the docks. "Wait, aren't you a mountain bandit? Why are you leaving by sea?" asked Shanks. Higuma rolled his eyes and replied, "They police'll be expecting that! Also..." Not satisfied in mocking Shanks, Higuma tosses Luffy into the sea; whom naturally can't swim. As Shanks bails him out, Higuma is congratulating himself for being so "clever".

"Heh, that's one way to beat a captain's ass." he said, snickering as he went along. But as he's about to get away scot-free, a massive sea monster appears from behind, devouring his boat and him with it. "Whuh? Oh, SHI-!" And with one big chomp, he was never seen again on this show. The beast then aims for Luffy next, only to be snatched by Shanks at the last minute. But, not without a price, it seems. "Welp, there goes my arm." shrugged Shanks. "Anakin Skywalker's got nothing on me!" Holding onto Shanks tightly, Luffy sobs, "I'm sorry...I caused you so much trouble." "Don't take it so hard, kid; you were just doing what you thought was right." Shanks comforted, ruffling his hair. "Besides, I never liked that arm, anyway." 

Later that evening, Shanks and his crew set off, but not without a parting gift. "Kid, I've been doing some thinking since our last little run-in at the bar. So, I'll tell you what; though they didn't drop, you really showed some balls when you stood up for me back there. So I'm giving you my hat to remember me by. When we meet again, I hope to see you as an equal out on the open sea. See ya, kid!" Overjoyed, Luffy sniffed, "T-thank you..... Wait! I didn't catch your name!" Shanks turned and called out, "Call me Shanks, kid! Of the Red-Haired Pirates!" 

Ten years later, Luffy sets out on a boat; hat still on his head and determined to follow his dream of being the King of the Pirates. Not three minutes in, he meets the sea monster from before again, only to deck it in the face with a Gum-Gum Pistol. "Gum-Gum...DEJA-VU!" he shouted. We cut to present time, with the story finishing up about Luffy and his hat. "...And that, my Scottish friend is how I got my straw hat. Neat story, huh?" "Aye," Zoro said contently. He was slumped back on one side of the ship, staring up at the clouds. "Though I wonder why we didn't start off with that in the first episode before this." "Eh, the anime messes with our continuity a bit; nothing too terrible." said Luffy, shrugging. "Speaking of terrible, I think we're out of food." Zoro then paused himself for a moment. "Wait, how the 'ell are we out of food not one day into this?" Luffy looked down ashamedly. "Yeah...I kind of ate some of our supplies while I was telling my backstory." Zoro looked not so much angry, but shocked by that sentence. "Damn, lad, I've seen Snorlaxes that don't eat as much as you!" he exclaimed. "That's what happens when you're made of rubber; your stomach's as flexible as your limbs." Luffy said. "Tell you what, the next thing I see that's food I'll save especially for you." "How considerate..." Zoro muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Your welcome." Luffy looks up and notices a flying figure overhead. "Hey, look, a bird!" he exclaimed. Sure enough, a seemingly small bird was flying high up in the sky. Excitedly, he aimed for the bird's neck. "Gum-Gum....SUPPERTIME!" he shouted. He reaches for the bird, only to accidentally be taken away by it. "What the?!" As it turned out, the bird was more than five times his size and in fact was dragging him off course. Zoro was in hot pursuit, cursing Scottish obscenities the whole way. How will all this end up? Stay tuned for more One Piece Abridged!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued.....


	4. Attack of the Pirate Clowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody made for today's comedic internet surfer on the go. One Piece is the property of Eiichiro Oda, Toei Animation, and is distributed by Funimation. Please support the official release. Now the formalities are out of the way, Summary Time!
> 
> Luffy has now been taken away by an oversized seagull, and a new challenger appears to try and both kill Luffy and terrorize a local citrus town. Who is this challenger? How will our duo of bumbling pirates get out of this, and where the hell is that red-head girl that's supposed to be a major player? Find out today on....One Piece Abridged!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following poem is brought to you by Baroque Works' Beat Poem Team. *ahem* 
> 
>  
> 
> "Take me out to the Grand Line; take me out to the sea. Bring me some Berries and Luffy's head, We're gonna make sure his crew is dead! We'll loot, loot, loot Alabasta, if we don't then it's a sin; For it's a-one, a-two, a-three fights your out in just four seasoooooons!" 
> 
> This has been a poem brought to you by the Baroque Works' Beat Poem Team; a subsidiary of Time-Warner.

When we last left off, Luffy; our resident, straw-hatted nimrod, and Zoro; Scottish, moss-headed swordsman who joined two chapters ago, were in a bit of a jam. "Namely, that I'm being carried away by a Roc!" Luffy exclaimed. Technically, it's named Pinky, but that is indeed true. The large, pink bird is flying towards a new town for our heroes to explore, and/or unintentionally ruin for one reason or another. "Meanwhile I be trying to follow my bampot-bassa of a captain and not gettin' very far!" Zoro continued. Also true, egregiously so. But before we get to them in earnest, it's fair to look slightly elsewhere; namely, with a mysterious, ginger-haired girl in a dusty wine cellar getting a mysterious map. "About time you got back to me! It's been nearly three chapters!" she said, annoyed. Sorry, but we got sidetracked. Anyway, we discover that this is a map belonging to none other than a notorious pirate in the same town the pink bird is going. And you thought this cutaway was completely pointless. "I didn't say that." said Luffy. You were thinking it! "I don't like this narrator," whispered Luffy. "He reads minds!" I heard that!

But we'll ignore Luffy for now, and cut to Nami running out of the cellar into the nearby street. But as she's about to leave town, a group of pirates dressed in clown makeup appeared and surrounded her. They had wild looks in their eyes, and sinister smiles. "IC-Fuckin'-P's in the house!" one of them shouted bombastically. The red-headed girl looked confused; rightfully so, since we haven't seen these guys before or since this chapter. "...Who?" she asked. "The Insane Clown Posse, bitch!" another explained rudely. "I'm Shag 2 Dope and he's Violent J." They circled around the red-headed girl like a pack of sharks, their poor dental hygiene evident through their horrible breath and equally terrible, deep yellow teeth. Based on their attitudes, she guessed they were also about as bright as a starless night, so she tried out-insulting them. "You certainly are one." she started. "One what?" demanded Shag. "A dope." Rage, rage is the only emotion felt by Shag and Violent J. "Don't make me go Great Milenko on your ass, bitch-tard!" demanded ViolentJ, brandishing his sword. Never to be outdone, and feeling gutsy, the girl egged them on. "Hey, the 90's called, they want their terrible raps back." she taunted. "Oh, that is it!" the clown posse shouted in unison.

And speaking of dopes, who should drop down but Luffy after a mysterious explosion forced Pinky to drop him right where the ginger girl's being surrounded. He fell with a massive thud, but didn't break a single bone in his rubbery body. "Welp, I just dropped from a bird's beak and fell to the ground without a scratch." he said obliviously. "Oh, well; time to wait for Zoro to get here, and get into more shenanigans!" This only angered the clown posse further, though, and took their anger out on him. "We'll show you shenanigans, bitch!" Violent J exclaimed. As the posse advanced, the ginger girl scampered off, Luffy awaiting their next move. They tried to confuse him by rapping as they fought... Only to be given a Gum-Gum Pistol to the face.

"Word of advice, boys," Luffy began. "Go back to making shitty comedies that even The Producers wouldn't show on Broadway." He cracked his knuckles, stretched a bit and looked around. The ginger girl was nowhere to be seen. "Huh, what happened to that girl they were after?" he wondered. "Up here!" A quick exclamation from up above answered his question. Sure enough, she had hid herself in a building nearby. "Thanks for bailing me out back there, straw-hat guy!" she called down to him. "By the way, I'm Nami!" "If you start telling me to listen and look, I'm kicking you off this show." Luffy warned her. "That's NAMI, not Navi! Now come on, I got a job for you." she said. "So soon? At least buy me a drink, first, little missy!" "I have sake inside!" Nami enticed. "I'm in!" Luffy replied, thinking quickly. 

A short time later, Luffy is in the building...being tied up. Hi, when did that happen? Better yet, WHY is it happening? "It's all part of the plan." Nami enticed. "What plan? I thought this was an SNM move." Luffy inquired. "This is One Piece, not Fifty Shades of Grey." she said. "Besides, there'll be plenty of time for being kinky later. First, I'll be giving you a head start in the plot for this arc." "Really? You sure this isn't just a trap so that you can get at the villain for this arc's treasure?" Luffy asked suspiciously. "Positive." she replied. Four minutes later....

"Oh, great Buggy the Clown, I bring you an offering in bondage! In exchange for this delinquent who beat up your rapping clowns, I ask to join your crew!" proclaimed Nami. "I FUCKING KNEW IT!" shouted Luffy. Yes, it seems that Nami was a major weasel, and had Luffy hauled before our villain in this arc. A pirate dressed in clown makeup walked towards her from a chair inside a darkened tent. Said pirate, aptly named Buggy, smiled. "Ah, so this is the guy who beat up my clown posse?" inquired Buggy. "Excellent, put him in the cage of future clown slaves." "Wait, what?" Luffy asked. A few moments later, as Buggy and his crew were partying, they were getting ready a massive ball to put in an equally massive cannon. Nami looked uneasy, sweat beading on her forehead. "Eh, what exactly are you doing, captain?" she asked. "Simple, my lackey," Buggy explained. "We're going to use this mighty Buggy Ball to clowntaminate the masses of this little town!" Nami scratched her head and asked, "....Clowntaminate?" "Oh, yes!" answered Buggy gleefully. "Except for my highest ranked officers, all new recruits must be clowntaminated to fully join. Your memories will be wiped clean and you will become the master clown race that will soon be conquering the world!" He cackled evilly and his crew followed suit. 

"So, clowns are Nazi demons?" inquired Nami. "Don't be ridiculous!" scoffed Buggy. "All demonic folklore's hogwash made by followers of Eneru!" "Who's Eneru?" "You'll find out in Season 6." Buggy replied. "Anyway, you won't be clowntaminated just yet, but don't get too comfortable. I'll demonstrate my clowntaminating powers on this straw-hatted boy, which I'm sure will have no significance on my downfall." Luffy scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Wow, the lampshading in this makes Uraby210 look subtle." he muttered. "Shut up!" ordered Buggy. "One more meta joke like that and I'll make you the clown that cleans up the bilge quarters!" "I'll be good..." whimpered Luffy. Nami thought for a moment. "Those bastards! I can't let him clowntaminate the town or Luffy! Not only will I not get Buggy's treasure, but the world's better off without clowns, anyway!" she mentally decided.

Just then, one of Buggy's messengers appeared...in arguably the most racists caricature yet seen on this show. "Captain Buggy, I have news!" he reported. "Someone has stolen our treasure!" "WHAT?! Who did this?!" demanded Buggy. "It was red haired woman sir! Actually, more like a ginger by the look of her." the messenger answered. Thinking quickly, Nami turned the Buggy Ball cannon back towards them just as Buggy put two and two together. "Hey, lackey! You have some explaining to do, young lady!" exclaimed Buggy. "Logic of Bugs Bunny cartoons, don't fail me now!" thought Nami. "Eh?!" Buggy turns to see the cannon aiming at him. "Flashing hell!!" KABOOM!!!!! Their base of operations was turned into a partly smoking, splintered debris field. 

As they made their escape, they noticed a man in a green bandana help Nami haul Luffy away to the town square. "Zoro! Took you long enough!" exclaimed Luffy happily. "No thanks to you, ye slipper-wieldin' arse jockey!" said Zoro annoyed. Luffy noticed a scar on the right side of his torso. "How did you get all the way over here? And what's with that scar near your stomach?" he asked. "Ach, 'tis a long story aboot some guys dressed like clowns, but-" Zoro started to answer. "Wait, did you just say clowns?" asked Luffy quickly. "Aye, they kept obsessin' aboot somethin' they call Faygo and insisted on me bein' "clowntaminated", whatever the 'ell that's supposed ta mean." Zoro continued. A look of anger grew on Luffy's face. "I think I just found my next bitch for this arc." he decided. "Huh?" asked Nami. "That's what he's callin' every main antagonist in these arcs now." Zoro explained. 

Yes indeed, but who knows when Buggy will strike next? Stay tuned for more of... One Piece Abridged!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued.....


	5. Mayor I Have this Brawl?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody made for today's comedic internet surfer on the go. One Piece is the property of Eiichiro Oda, Toei Animation, and is distributed by Funimation. Please support the official release. Now the formalities are out of the way, Summary Time!
> 
> In this chapter, we confront the remainder of Buggy's posse and finally get out of this blasted town of citrus!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With great wealth comes great fame. With great fame comes great power. With great power comes the execution of Gol D. Roger. With the execution of Gol D. Roger comes the Great Pirate Era. And finally, with the Great Pirate Era comes One Piece Abridged." - Crocus, 2001.

And then I said, "At least I'm not wearing a lemon shower cap!"- Oh, we're on! Welcome back to today's episode of One Piece Abridged! Last we left off, Luffy, Zoro, and new random girl Nami narrowly escaped an attack by the ever-insane Pirate Clown Posse lead by the goofy-yet-powerful Buggy the Clown. His intentions seem to be to "clowntaminate" the world as he put it so that more clowns can take over the World Government. Or something like that, his motivation seems to just be to create chaos.

"So, he's Heath Ledger?" asked Luffy. Pretty much. That reminds me, it seems that Luffy's still seems to be, despite all his rage, still just a rat in a cage. "Very funny." Luffy grumbled. "Hey, Nami, where's the key for this damn cage, anyway?" Nami smiled and opened her hand. "Here, I swiped it from Buggy before the cannon fired." she said. Luffy's smile grew exponentially. "Fantas-!" he started. But as he was about to free himself, Murphy's Law stepped in and made the key disappear. "tic." he finished. As it turns out, a small dog ate the key in one gulp just as Luffy was about to use it.

Luffy just sat there, dumbfounded. "Did- Did that dog just eat the only key that can get me out of here?" he stuttered in rage. "Unfortunately, yes." Nami admitted. "At least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing it'll be paying for that dearly through its digestive tract." "Forget his digestive tract, I'll make him pay the old fashioned way!" Luffy grabbed the dog's neck and went Homer Simpson on its ass. As this dog neck-wrangling is occurring, a short man in glasses and...arguably the most ridiculous haircut in season 1 of this show, and that's saying a LOT, appears. 

"Hey, knock it off!" the man demanded. "I'll have you know I work with PETA!" "And I should care because...?" inquired Luffy, unconcerned. "Because I'm also the mayor of this town!" answered the man. Luffy remained unimpressed by this unwanted offspring of a sheep and Cobi. "...And I should be intimidated because....?" he added. "I know people. Powerful people." the mayor explained in threatening detail. "People who just so happen to know how to make certain Devil Fruit users disappear." "The HELL they will!" shouted Luffy. "Zoro, kick his ass while I try to punch my way out of this cage!" "Sure thing-GHAAA!" Suddenly, Zoro was in immense pain, and collapsed to the ground. A closer examination shows that he in fact has a stab wound near his stomach.

"How the hell did you get that?!" Luffy exclaimed. " Connect the dots, Luffy!" said Nami, rubbing her temples. "He said he tangled with clown goons in the last episode!" "Oh, right." Luffy remembered. "Sorry, I kind of have the memory of a goldfish when it comes to past episodes. Either way, I'm still gonna try getting out of here." "Perhaps I can be of assistance!" said a voice.

A new challenger approaches. A strange man on a purple-manes lion stomped into view, the lion licking its chops. Luffy jumped a few inches and hit the top of his cage. "Ow! Sweet Orlando Bloom, who are you? WHAT are you?! You look like a macaque that cosplayed as Ice Bear!" exclaimed Luffy, dumbfounded by this bizarre Lion King fanboy. "Watch it, Narrator; as I am Mohji, the Beast Tamer. And one of the main commanders of Buggy's crew." the man said angrily. The lion roared in annoyance at the lack of his acknowledgement. "Oh, and this is my bodyguard, Richie. He's the black sheep cousin of Simba." Mohji continued. The lion roared again. For the sake of a lack of subtitles, we will be writing what his roars mean as oppose to constant parenthesis clogging up the page. "I thought we agreed to not mention that every time you introduced me!" Richie roared.

"If I don't mention it, someone else will ask and make it worse!" retorted Mohji. "Asshole..." muttered Richie. "Hey, do you want me to break out the Neutering Drill again?" threatened Mohji. "....No..." RIchie whimpered. "Didn't think so." Mohji said, smiling in satisfaction. "Now, where were we? Oh, yes; we were breaking you out to beat you to a bloody pulp the old-fashioned way." And with a mighty pound from Richie's paw, the cage was broken into many pieces. "Thank you." said Luffy happily. "And now, with two hands! Gum-Gum....YOU-SPIN-ME-RIGHT-ROUND-BABY!" And as the name implies, he grabs Richie after he twists his arms like a Twizzler, and throws him to the ground head-first.

Mohji was thrown off Richie, and he landed face-first into the pavement. He stood back up and clenched his fists in rage. "RICHIE! You bastard, he had one day til retirement! That's it, I'm gonna-" Mohji decided. He was about to attack when Luffy interrupted. "And now, Gum-Gum.....I-AM-A-MAN!" One large amount of punches later, and Mohji is out cold. "Well, that's one pointless character down." Nami decided. A few hours later, while everyone was busy listening the Mayor talk about how Iams and Beneful are the devil, Mohji at very least limped away to his boss.

Needless to say, Buggy was shocked by Mohji's condition. "Mohji?! What the flashing hell happened to you?!" demanded Buggy. "You look like you just got knocked on your ass! Repeatedly!" "You're not far off, sir." groaned Mohji. "I was attacked and defeated, and Richie may or may not be dead, I can't tell." "Was it a ninja?" asked Buggy. "Thank Gol D. Roger, no." Mohji replied. "It was Randy Savage, wasn't it?!" gasped Buggy. "Oh man, I knew that trip to Wrestlemania was gonna haunt me..." " No, no, it wasn't him." assured Mohji. "Well, they're the only two things that can defeat my army effectively..." Buggy pondered. "Cabaji, do check out this Chuck Norris-ripoff, will you?" From behind, a shadow with a glistening smile stood up. "With pleasure, bubbeleh..." Cabaji replied. The mysterious Cabaji snickered at the idea of beating this newfound threat to a pulp.

Meanwhile, Luffy, Nami and Zoro wake up to find that the Mayor's no longer there. "Figures, the mayor's always around except when you want him!" Luffy said, annoyed. "Why exactly do we want him?" asked Nami. "To keep him from accidentally killing himself to get rid of Buggy, which I'm almost certain's going to happen." Luffy explained. As if on cue, they see the Mayor trying to stand up to Buggy, wearing a suit of chest armor. He looked unintimidated by the daunting pirate clown before him. "Bring it on, Big-Nose! I got this on loan from Xiaolin Showdown!" the mayor said bravely. Buggy, meanwhile, was likewise unintimidated by the mayor's stupidity. "I'm sure he meant bravery!" the mayor said proudly. No, I pretty much meant stupidity. "As well you should." said Buggy. "Why should I be intimidated, again?" "Because it's invulnerable!" explained the mayor. "Now I'm gonna kick your ass til the cows come home! Which given my wife should be in about five hours." "Wow, misogynistic much there Mayor-guy?" asked Buggy, shocked. "Now that's just rude! I'll have you know my wife's a cow herder!" the mayor said indignantly. 

"And you are an idiot." Buggy decided. "Fire the Buggy Ball!" "Two-Ton Tunic!" shouted the mayor. The cannon fired and would have likely killed had it not been for... "Gum-Gum WHAT-THE-HELL-WERE-YOU-THINKING?!" Luffy yelled. He deflected the Buggy Ball into the ocean and knocked out the Mayor. "What the hell was that for?!" demanded Nami. "So he doesn't interfere anymore." explained Luffy. "We can't have him dying! Besides, the townsfolk may think we're Buggy's crewmates if we don't keep him out of the way. Do you want to be labeled as Buggy's lapdog for the rest of your life?!" "Fair point." Nami relented. "Ach, I'm rested and ready ta rumble, Buggy!" taunted Zoro. "Let us dance!" "I'll be your dance partner, bubbeleh!" said a voice. 

Cabaji wheels in from behind on a unicycle and- *bursts out laughing* I'm sorry, this is so frigging stupid! "Watch it, narrator-yutz! I know how to discipline unwanted shlemiels!" retorted Cabaji. Who are you calling unwanted, emo-hair? "And just WHO are you?" asked Luffy. "Glad you asked" replied Cabaji. "I'm Cabaji, Buggy's right hand man. And as of this moment, it is YOU who are officially MY bitch!" This did not fly well with Luffy, needless to say. "Okay, I can take the furry lion-tamer, but stealing my lines is going waaay too far! Prepare to be-" started Luffy. But Zoro stepped in. "No, lad. Leave this bassa to me, I'll be makin' 'im cry for his mum faster than ye can say 'Scottish shanties'!" He smiled a devilish smile and brandished his swords. "Don't try it, Scotty; I'm powered by God's holy Yiddish stereotypes and blessed by Buggy the Clown. Compared to me, you're nothin' but a shlemiel!" proclaimed Cabaji. "Do ye even know what you just said?" Zoro inquired. "You sound like Jeff Goldblum's father from Independence Day."

 

This angered Cabaji. "Just for that," he growled. "you get my special Dreidel Toss!" And a bunch of orange tops appear from his blue robe, making it difficult for Zoro to dodge Cabaji's swordsmanship. "Low blow, Marjory." retorted Zoro. "But there's one problem with yer swordsmanship, laddie." "Yeah, what's that?" asked Cabaji. Various clicks and slashes later... "It's not KOSHER!" Zoro zinged. "Oi gevalt...." whimpered Cabaji, whom promptly keeled over, unicycle and all.

Seeing all this go down made Buggy very angry. VERY angry indeed. "Okay, that's it, you're all getting a massive beatdown from me!" he roared. He jumps down and engages Luffy in particular. "Bring it, Big-Nose!" taunted Luffy. "How dare you! My nose is perfect for my body!" said Buggy indignantly. "Save me that, Captain Facepaint!" scoffed Luffy. "Gum-Gum.....I-AM-A-MAN!" He tries to punch him, only for Buggy to fall apart and reassemble. "Nice try, rubber man!" Buggy cackled. "I ate the Chop-Chop Fruit! I can break apart faster than Will Ferrel's career and come back just as quickly!"

"Appropriate, you're character's just as flimsy as your body." Luffy joked. "Just for that character jab, I'll jab YOUR character!" retorted Buggy. But instead of Luffy himself, he attacked his straw hat. "You BASTARD!" shouted Luffy. "That hat's a collector's item signed by Shanks!" "All the more reason to damage it." said Buggy. "See, child, I know of your little idolism to Shanks. I could tell from your wearing of his precious hat." "And you know him how..?" asked Luffy. "I shall explain via flashback, young fool. It all started back when the pirate era was still young. Back before The Simpsons sucked." Buggy began. "The Simpsons ALWAYS sucked since the movie premiered." Luffy pointed out. "Okay, before The Simpsons REALLY sucked." edited Buggy. "Anyway, I was on a pirate ship as part of the crew alongside that red-headed dumbass..."

Cue the whiteout! A fade in reveals the ship in question, with Buggy and Shanks arguing on the deck while all the other crew mates are watching. "Steven Universe!" yelled Shanks. "Gravity Falls!" shouted Buggy. "STEVEN UNIVERSE!" "GRAVITY FALLS!" The argument continued until the second in command of the ship broke up the fight. "What the hell are you asswipes bitching about now?!" he demanded. "We're debating about which series is the best show to wait through a hiatus for!" explained Buggy. "And I say Gravity Falls is the best one to see!" "I won't deny Gravity Falls' quality, but NOBODY can top Steven and his Cookie Cats!" retorted Shanks. "Oh, save me that, you hammer-brained dumbasses!" shouted the second in command, rolling his eyes. "Besides, everyone knows Rick and Morty is the best." "You're just saying that 'cause Rick reminds you so much of you." Shanks scoffed. "And what- *burp* if I do?" he belched. He looked angrily at them. "Nothing." the two gulped. "Yeah, now that's what I thought. Now back to your cabin with you. I don't want to have to get the circumcision wheel out again." he ordered. "Trust us, we don't want it!" said Buggy and Shanks.

Later that evening, Buggy is out on the edge of the ship, holding a box with something very important inside. "Heh, heh. As soon as I get the change, I'm gonna-" he began to mutter. "You're gonna what?" asked Shanks. He had been watching for some time from behind the cabin door. "Wah! How did you...? What are you-?!" stuttered Buggy. "I was about to dye my hair an even darker red when I overheard you have a box of something or other from the narrator." explained Shanks. "Don't worry, I know what it is." "You do?" "Yeah, it's your world domination plans." Shanks assumed. "My what? How did you know about my-?" started Buggy. "You're named Buggy the CLOWN, buddy." reminded Shanks. "That's all you clowns EVER talk about besides making more of you!"

"Actually, for once it has nothing to do with my world domination plans. Besides, they're in my hope chest like everyone else." Buggy corrected. "Then what is it? Jimmy Hoffa's wallet? A long lost Shakespearean sonnet? A decent Adam Sandler script?" Shanks guessed. "Wrong on all accounts, Ginger. This is..." Buggy answered. He opened the box to reveal a bizarre fruit. "..A Devil Fruit!" he finished. "I got it off of Craigslist when we made that rest stop at Cocoyashi Village. I also got these mark-down Ginsu 2 Wolverine Steak Knives; perfect for making filet mignon..that MANLY way!" He immediately ate the Devil Fruit. "Hmm, not bad. Nice and tangy with a hint of sourness. There's just one problem now." Buggy said. "What's that?" asked Shanks. "I now have this burning feeling in my balls. What's that about?" asked Buggy. "Too much information, Buggy." said Shanks, rolling his eyes.

"Wait a minute, I didn't get this feeling when this happened!" Buggy realized. "WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?!" he demanded. A flash forward reveals that Buggy has gotten a rather severe kick to the crotch. "Yeah, I got bored waiting for you to stop flapping your yap, so I kicked you in the crotch so Nami could take all your loot." explained Luffy, stretching his right leg back to him. "You bastard! We're in an anime! NOBODY interrupts an anime villain's flashback! Even the frigging Yugioh protagonists had the decency to hold fast to that rule!" protested a now in pain Buggy. "That's just it, Buggy." said Luffy. "We're NOT Yugioh! And now, you're a midget." A quick cut to Buggy reveals that Buggy's body parts were now tightly wrapped up with rope and he himself was worn down to just his arms, legs and head. "Flashing HELL!" shouted Buggy. "Why does this always happen to minor antagonists?!"

"Because clowns are dumb." Luffy said. "Now, Gum-Gum...CATA-CLOWN!" He pushed Buggy (or rather what's left of him) hard and over the horizon, his body parts soaring out with him. His men then scattered, fleeing to their ships and running away. "Well, that was a pointless arc." Luffy decided. "Not completely." Nami said. "See, I need a ride to my home village, and I can be persuaded to work with you for a few more chapters." "I see no problem with this at all!" Luffy decided. "Welcome to my crew!" Soon, a crowd gathers. "That's them, officer!" the mayor shouted. He was apparently conscious again and very, VERY pissed. "THEY knocked me out!" The mob chased after our three heroes, whom quickly turned tail and ran. "Is it always like this with you?!" asked Nami. "EVERYWHERE I go!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Don't ask me, lass, I just got here!" said Zoro.

The three find two boats and take each to row as far away from Orange Village as possible. "And thus, with our newest crewmate in tow, we sail for adventure!" Luffy proclaimed. The mob tried throwing various things at the boats to make them sink, but that had little effect. "Hey, I found a giant cannon!" said a local fisherman. They tried firing it, only to have it misfire and blow up half the village. "You know, I'm starting to think that village is kinda messed up." Luffy said. "YOU THINK?!" shouted Nami and Zoro.

And thus we at long last reach the end of this arc and make our way to a new one. To where? You'll have to catch the next episode of One Piece Abridged to find out! *winks*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued...

**Author's Note:**

> To Be Continued...
> 
> Also, noted music played near the end is this: //www.youtube.com/watch?v=MudFSiyOglI


End file.
